Friday, November 21, 2014

Holes in Our Foundation

I’m sitting in between two people at a coffee shop.

On my left, there is a group of young women about my age. They’re obsessing over the guys in their lives and hoping that he will be the one for them. I’m listening to them talk about the qualities in these guys and I can hear the sound of a weary settling in their voice.

Then they pray. They pray for the one. You know what it sounds like? They’re praying to end their loneliness.

 On my right, I’m listening to the end of a married couple argue about what will be settled in court. The man is promising to be better, try harder, and stop whatever he cause to let things fall apart. He’s begging for her back, but her eyes are flooded with forfeit. I look over for a second to see the face of a worn down woman and a long faced man, both emotionally weathered. And then there’s me. I’m in the middle.

What is happening to us? Where did our foundation give way? Why are we letting ourselves settle for subpar and then wondering why we’re dealt such terrible cards? I want to shake the shoulders of the girls next to me and tell them to listen to the conversation on my right.

The view from the middle is grim.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Refined By Loneliness

There has to be this contentment with loneliness. And loneliness has such a negative weight on the word, but it isn't. Loneliness is being okay with the company of yourself. Knowing who you are, what you have to offer...that all of you is enough. I think that people are afraid to be alone because they realize where the dirt and grime has accumulated over the years. I want to be able to look at myself without saying "yuck". But people desire people so deeply that they're willing to handover their "yuck" to someone else. I'm saying no. No. I'm not going to hand over "yuck" because I'm doing some deep cleaning in all the nooks and crannies of my heart. If I'm not alright with being alone with myself, then I'm sure as hell not alright being alone with someone else. And if you TRULY love someone that much, you will want to give them your best..and 'yuck' isn't your best. Sure, it seems like EVERYONE is in a relationship, so deeply in love, getting married, having babies...but I'm more frustrated with people who feel like they have to keep up with them.

My thoughts are running wild tonight. More so on the topic of relationships. I've reached the point where I'm more than alright with being alone. In fact, I like being alone. I cooked dinner tonight and thought, "thank goodness I don't have a boyfriend because I wasn't down to share my epic dinner."

I know that I've got a lot to offer a man one day, and boy, is he one lucky guy! I have a routine I follow every morning. When I wake up, I stumble out to the kitchen, throw the kettle on the stove, and layout (what I call) my poisons for the day. After I gulped down my poisons, I focused my attention to my coffee. Now, coffee is an important piece to my day. I choose a blend based on the events on the day and how I'm feeling at that exact moment. Coffee becomes a science. A thought ran across my mind that never has before: love isn't an occasional grand gesture, but an accumulation of small gestures everyday. Whoa. I looked down at the coffee dripping into my mug. As small as coffee is in the greater scheme of my day, it still holds importance to my morning ritual. One day, allowing someone to become a part of my morning ritual means taking as much time and care on his cup of coffee that I spend on mine. Not only that, serving his coffee before mine. Now coffee is small, but it is one way, everyday to show him that I care for him.

I believe people are meant to be alone before being with one for the rest of their years. The time spent alone is preparation for the one. I wish that more people would take all of it in for what it is worth, rather than glorifying this socially acceptable, single-life depression. I find it highly unattractive. Identify the loneliness, embrace the emotion, and instead of barfing it out into a relationship (because clearly that's unhealthy), chip away at it because you are building up your character. Trust me, attractive is the person who is refined by loneliness.